Loosed from Anger

Ohhhhhhhh I’m angry.  Very angry.  So angry that I feel the seeds of bitterness being watered and cared for so they can grow strong within me.  Bitterness is a bitter feeling.  It was only appropriate that I begin with Anger as my first Scriptual lesson. Again, I am travelling through T.D. Jakes’ Holy Bible Woman Thou Art Loosed during this fast.

Okay, this is the cool part.  Well, I find it cool.  If you hover your mouse over the Scriptural references, you will get a small pop up (friendly, I promise!) that gives you the text from the Scripture!  Simply click anywhere on the white space of the box to get rid of it and move to the next.  If you don’t find that cool, I really don’t have any other tricks for you today.  Try tomorrow : )

The passages that spoke to me, really spoke to me — were Psalms and James.  I keep asking God for some hints on what to do next and He keeps His silence.  Knowing that my job is to be patient in my awaiting His answers is helping me.  It also helps that even though it appears as though other people get away with doing evil, they will eventually be cut off.

Why Have You Forsaken Me God?

There comes a time in every Christian’s life where you ponder the meaning of your suffering.  This is one of those times for me.  I talk to God all day.  I ask him just one question, “why.”  Why when I was so diligent in my prayers, am I going through this now?  I don’t get an answer and it furthers my frustrations.  I did all of the right things, or so I thought.  I prayed unceasingly before we got married.  We went to the church’s pre-marriage counseling classes.  We prayed and fasted and fasted and prayed.  I thought I got my answer.  I thought he was the one who was sent to me from God.  But clearly he wasn’t.

So I lament.  I lament and weep because if I got that wrong, then I must question everything now.  How will I ever know that I am doing the right thing?  What proof will I have that I am truly following God’s will if I screwed something as important as the right mate up.  I am angry.  I am sad.  I am sinking in the depths of betrayal.  I am the combination of so many emotions that it is hard to keep track.  But I still have to keep going.  That thought alone depresses me to no end because what I really need right now is a break.  A time out.  A chance to regroup.  But my daughter looks at me and I cannot let her see my tears as I prepare her for the day, as I feed and clothe and teach and interact with her.  My dog looks at me and I cannot tell him that I do not feel like taking him outside — that I can barely get out of the bed each day.  I am now behind in bills and with no forseeable way to catch up, I have to continue working.  There are no days off when you own and operate your own small business.

Oh, and I pray.  I pray that even though I cannot see the point in this, that I can keep it together.  That this too, shall pass.