Loosed from Anger

Ohhhhhhhh I’m angry.  Very angry.  So angry that I feel the seeds of bitterness being watered and cared for so they can grow strong within me.  Bitterness is a bitter feeling.  It was only appropriate that I begin with Anger as my first Scriptual lesson. Again, I am travelling through T.D. Jakes’ Holy Bible Woman Thou Art Loosed during this fast.

Okay, this is the cool part.  Well, I find it cool.  If you hover your mouse over the Scriptural references, you will get a small pop up (friendly, I promise!) that gives you the text from the Scripture!  Simply click anywhere on the white space of the box to get rid of it and move to the next.  If you don’t find that cool, I really don’t have any other tricks for you today.  Try tomorrow : )

The passages that spoke to me, really spoke to me — were Psalms and James.  I keep asking God for some hints on what to do next and He keeps His silence.  Knowing that my job is to be patient in my awaiting His answers is helping me.  It also helps that even though it appears as though other people get away with doing evil, they will eventually be cut off.

Woman, Thou Art Loosed!

 thou art loosed

I chose this version of the Holy Bible to aid me in my re-discovery of my spiritual armory to get me through this tragic moment in my life.  T.D. Jakes’ books have helped me more than once and I have high expectations that this will bring me closer to what I seek.

My Problem

I do not believe in divorce.  Never have.  It’s the singular reason why I have never been married before now.  If I could not envision being with that person forever, I could not bring myself to tie myself to them for eternity.  So, imagine how lost I feel right now when the God I serve has apparently allowed me to embark on this incredulous mistake of matrimony.  In a way, I suppose it is best that my wonderful husband is not even interested in trying to keep our marriage together because it would require that I make a choice to try again.  This way, I have no choice.

My solution

My solution is gaining knowledge of the purpose of my struggle.  God does not allow anything to happen to His children without there being an intent for us to learn, grow, move past our limitations.  There is no lesson that He wants to teach us that does not bring us closer to Him.  So, I embark on my journey and it consists of these themes in the order that I feel the most urgent:

  1. Loosed from Anger
  2. Loosed from Discouragement
  3. Loosed from Depression
  4. Loosed from Marital Problems
  5. Loosed from Financial Stress
  6. Loosed to Forgive Others
  7. Loosed to Stand Strong

Journey with me!

Generational Curses

generational curses

I am not silly enough nor religiously educated enough to spark a flame war about this or any other spiritual topic.  This blog is ALL about MY personal beliefs, experiences, and opinions.  You are free to disagree with me but you’d also have to disagree with anyone else who has had beliefs, experiences, and opinions that differ from yours as well.  So…just put me at the bottom of your list!

I woke up this morning and this is the message that hit me immediately upon waking up:  Generational Curse.  I kid you not.  I did not read a book about it last night, did not watch any movies about it, and wasn’t even thinking about it.  But sure enough, it was almost as if the words were imprinted on my brain.  I put some things together in my head:

  1. My mother got married to get out of her house when she was very young (18) but subsequently got divorced due to his domestic abuse around a year later.
  2. My sister followed in her footsteps and got married to get out of the house, approximately 5 years after my mother’s age.
  3. I waited until I was 35 to get married, did so to finally have a family of my own, and am currently separated (primarily) due to domestic abuse.

I did some quick research and this is some of what I found:

http://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/16463-9-ways-to-break-generational-curses

http://www.compellingtruth.org/generational-curses.html

I know, I know.  Maybe I’m overthinking it.  Maybe I’m placing entirely too much stock in waking up with this thought in my head on the very first day of my Spiritual Fast.  But I don’t care.  I’m rolling with it.  It’s forced me to come to some interesting truths about my current situation and that’s worth it to me.  Like, I already knew that my sister is the type of person to stay married regardless, just like my mother has been in her second marriage…

Now, does this mean that even though I am claiming that I will never get married again, that my second marriage will be the one that “sticks” and remains?  Will I be forced to accept mediocrity in order to be in a long-term relationship?  Are the women in my immediate family doomed to be attracted to those men who are less than they are in many ways just because of an attraction to so-called stability?  I will admit, I thought that considering the fact that my husband knew that he was technically “out of my league” that he would at least do the bare minimum to keep our marriage together.  Clearly, I was wrong.

Nowhere to Turn

nowhere else to go

The desolation eats at me until I am sure there will be nothing left.  My prayers are empty because I don’t have the slightest idea as to what it is that I should pray for.  My request is for God to take this pain away, show me why my life is worth continuing — what my purpose is.  I am not physically suicidal.  I do not have any intentions of committing suicide.  However, I cannot deny the depression that is attempting to drown me in the depths of its shadows.  

All this tells me that I need a reboot.  I need to clear my cache.  I need to go back to a previous version that was working properly.  I need to restore my soul.

So I begin my fast tomorrow.  A fast with more weight on the spiritual reattachment of my connection to the God I serve that I am seriously convinced that I pissed off somehow.  My fast will be simple in nature: no eating after 8pm and daily spiritual readings along with increased communication with God.

I am fast forwarding through a lot of mess because I find myself at this same position when the world lets me down — just at different points in the journey.  This time, one week was enough for me to understand that I need to get back to my spiritual roots.

Why Have You Forsaken Me God?

There comes a time in every Christian’s life where you ponder the meaning of your suffering.  This is one of those times for me.  I talk to God all day.  I ask him just one question, “why.”  Why when I was so diligent in my prayers, am I going through this now?  I don’t get an answer and it furthers my frustrations.  I did all of the right things, or so I thought.  I prayed unceasingly before we got married.  We went to the church’s pre-marriage counseling classes.  We prayed and fasted and fasted and prayed.  I thought I got my answer.  I thought he was the one who was sent to me from God.  But clearly he wasn’t.

So I lament.  I lament and weep because if I got that wrong, then I must question everything now.  How will I ever know that I am doing the right thing?  What proof will I have that I am truly following God’s will if I screwed something as important as the right mate up.  I am angry.  I am sad.  I am sinking in the depths of betrayal.  I am the combination of so many emotions that it is hard to keep track.  But I still have to keep going.  That thought alone depresses me to no end because what I really need right now is a break.  A time out.  A chance to regroup.  But my daughter looks at me and I cannot let her see my tears as I prepare her for the day, as I feed and clothe and teach and interact with her.  My dog looks at me and I cannot tell him that I do not feel like taking him outside — that I can barely get out of the bed each day.  I am now behind in bills and with no forseeable way to catch up, I have to continue working.  There are no days off when you own and operate your own small business.

Oh, and I pray.  I pray that even though I cannot see the point in this, that I can keep it together.  That this too, shall pass.