How have I not heard of K. Michelle before? I am loving her work! She says the things that many women want to say but feel like they can’t. Her explicit claim of “No F**** Given” is energizing and oddly enough, empowering. Her lyrics are simply — the truth. Unashamed, unabashed and minus the need for apology. When I heard Can’t Raise A Man, I was bobbing my head for what seemed like an eternity. Every line in her song was absolutely true. Could she be the new champion of female empowerment and strength? My favorites songs of hers include:
- Can’t Raise A Man
- She Can Have You
- I Just Wanna
I am not ashamed to admit that when my loser soon-to-be ex texts me, I hear the beginning of Tomorrow Too Late, “I ain’t f****** with you no more.” Shameless? Perhaps. Real? Definitely…
I am still a fighter. I will not cave in to the depressive thoughts that attempt to take over when I least expect it. I keep hatred for my soon-to-be ex in low numbers by continuing to pray for him, without fail, every night. There are nights when it is hard but I do it anyway because one thing I have learned about those who hurt other is that they do not lose sleep. So I will not let him win by allowing his actions to erode the goodness in my heart.
One of my newest theme songs is Fighter by Christina Aguilera! Some of the lyrics are just genius:
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
My focus has been directed towards reinventing myself and catching up on songs that I have apparently missed out on. But one song that has been my song to help me through familial issues in the recent past is Roar by Katy Perry.
I changed my tactic up. I decided to abandon the angry wife theme and move to a more neutral one. I held on to this when I made the phone call to talk to him about one of his male friends who was pounding on my door two nights ago. Funny how that happened out of the blue when no one ever came to the door for him before. Friends of mine surmised that this was a set up from my soon-to-be ex to find out who was at the house. I do believe he is that crazy now. His plan worked, I had to call him in order to tell him to tell his little friends that he no longer shares this address. While on the phone, I slid in the fact that we still needed to sign the divorce papers since he had no intention of working on our marriage. He had the nerve to say that we could have tried to get it annulled so that way it “was nobody’s fault.” I used every prayer I could come up with to refrain from cussing him out. Instead, I simply asked him to figure out a good time to meet downtown and parted vocal ways.
And that set the rest of his manipulation games in motion. I got a text message the next day that was sent to me accidentally on purpose. Sunday, I initiated contact since that was his plan anyway. I put him on the spot again and asked why he was so intent on delaying the divorce. He texted back “I want this over ASAP so you can move on and I can find someone I feel safe with.” Wow. Men say stuff like this? But I hung in there and we talked on the phone and I thought we were in a good place of communication. Until…today. When he accidentally on purpose sent me a text meant for some chick “I’m still damaged from my last relationship.” I lost it then. Playing the victim? Purposely sending me this nonsense? Lawd.
What am I working on you ask? I’m working on putting in these insane hours working, creating, promoting, marketing, advertising — any “ing” word that results in more income. As a result, I will be posting a bit less because my brain, quite frankly, hurts! But I do promise that I shall return with more insightful news about my everchanging life and the inevitable DivaLations that come with the territory.
Sooooooo, the soon-to-be ex husband has begun texting me again. Nonsense stuff like how both of us need to work on this. Like, how I need to do my part too. Like, he wasn’t going to be the only one putting forth an effort. Excuse me? Last time I checked, the person who abandoned the other person needed to fix it. I hate texting. I always have. I am not an advocate of communication by any other method that does not include voice or face to face. In my humble opinion, it reduces the personal feeling, encourages miscommunication, and a general lack of respect for serious situations. For example, you just don’t end a marriage by texting. This seems to be the method that he is most comfortable with and it is the most frustrating thing when you are the only adult participating in the conversation.
One of the main points that he continues to text and email me with the woe is me portion of the time he put his hands on me. Saying that he is so “bothered” the fact that he did it and doesn’t know how to handle it. My response? That’s what the marriage counseling was for. I’m not falling for the creation of the victim role from a clear abuser. He’s angry because I drew the divorce papers up. In his words, I was supposed to “ask him to come home.” Yes, because I am so desperate that I have to beg the man who hit me and left me to come back to me. Not. Oh and that contribution towards the bills that he promised to do? Never happened. I get every other text in the world except for an explanation about that.
I had one of those moments where I thought that perhaps we could talk things over and come up with a resolution that would work for both of us. So, I texted him back that we should talk on the phone. First, he couldn’t talk and needed an hour. Then, an hour and a half later, he was “working on a house” at 10pm. Then, he finally texted back an hour later that he was ready and I could call him. Two minutes later, he texted back “never mind since it’s always on your time.” When I called, he refused to answer. Times like these set me back and kill my positive vibe entirely.
I went from happy, enjoying life, taking care of business mood — back to that angry, frustrated state of mind. It was harder to pray for him. It was harder to remember all of the lessons I have learned over the past 6 weeks. So, I did something that would make me feel better. I put everything in one email to him, everything. Things that I hadn’t told him, like, if he would have shown half an effort it would have encouraged me to work things out. But how can you muster up enough energy to work things out with someone who does not care if things work out?
The flower that blooms in adversity
is the most beautiful one of all
— Disney’s Mulan movie
I have rediscovered myself. I know my worth. And I’ll be damned if I ever forget my worth again. My worth signifies that I am worth the effort, worth the pain, and definitely worth the sacrifice that anyone has to go through to be with me. My biggest mistake was stuffing my worth in the back of the closet just to keep the peace. I did myself no favors and I surely did not do him any favors.
Every breath I take now fills the entirety of my body with such an empowered feeling that it makes me involuntarily shudder! So deliciously so that I’d have to go back to previous pages in this book to even remember the devastation period that I went through not so long ago. But I won’t go back because I’m more invested into future than my past.
Maybe I’m just happy about some progress. Finally, after a whole month of delaying — my soon-to-be ex managed to show up to meet and sign the papers. He disagreed with some of the financial support terms stating that “if I’m going to walk away, I’m just going to walk away.” Somehow, he isn’t grasping the fact that marriage is a contract and you don’t just get to take your ball and go home without paying for that privilege. He refused to sign the actual divorce agreement but I was able to talk him into signing the separation agreement. His reason? He wasn’t “ready for it to be over.” I’m shaking my head even as I write this. I asked him several pointed questions like, what have you been doing to show that you don’t want it to be over. Answers were so mumbled and lacking of any reality that I do not remember what he actually said. He did agree that how he left was nothing short of f***** up and agreed to contribute to bills next week. I don’t believe any of it, but with any luck, maybe just maybe he will straighten up and fly right.
Walking with emotional freedom is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If you are unfortunate to have to correspond with your ex, it completely changes the flavor of your message. You almost ooze the “I’m over it and I’m over you” vibe. The freedom that it gives you almost takes your breath away with happiness. You never thought you’d reach this point, and yet, here you are. That’s not to say that you’re no longer hurting, because you are. That’s not to say that you are not the slightest bit bitter about your circumstance, because you just might be. But it is to say that you’ve accepted the fact that this person will no longer be apart of your life even if you did vow til death do you part. That feeling you now have is hope. Hope for another day to enjoy all that life has to offer.
Going through my phone I came across pictures of my soon-to-be ex husband and felt…well, nothing. It was the best feeling. A sure graduation from the sadness that progressed to unyielding emptiness. There was a time, not long ago, when it delighted me to hear his voice, read printed messages from him, and see those same pictures. It let me see that I am no longer an extension of him. I am merely the “me” I was before he entered my life, again.
I found my “muchness”
I was much muchier before!
I plan to take some time off from writing about anything for the rest of the week so that I can focus on rebuilding my life. I have a business that needs nurturing, a daughter who has been showing symptoms of traumatization due to this separation, and bills that I have no idea of how I’m paying.
Oh, and our anniversary would have been in a couple of days but instead, he’s trying to live life in the middle of the road — not here and not divorced. My birthday is this week and instead of spending it laying in my husband’s arms, I am planning to spend it alone. It’s like my whole life has been changed in an instant and I’m trying to keep up.