Glacial Bitch

inner bitch

Now before some of you get all preachy on me, I need to remind you that

     God is still working on me, He’s not through with me yet!

I make no efforts to pretend that I do not have moments where thoughts of revenge against those who have wronged me.  I offer no pretense about the fact that I am human, mortal, and as a result — flawed.  I write alot of material, some of which is autobiographical and some that is pure and unadulterated fiction.  There are plenty of my pieces that refer to wishful thinking or dreams.  This piece was written and put me in the right frame of mind — self preservation and an appreciation for the strength that I was able to draw from my situation.  Oddly enough, I do not support the movement of calling oneself a “bitch.”  I understand that there are many empowering ways of putting the word, but I do not participate.  This piece represents a new way of writing for me and I am pretty proud of it regardless.  I proudly present:

Glacial Bitch

If you thought I was cold before — picture me now
Heart transformed into a crystalized structure
Impenetrable with its encasing of
Aggregate diamond nanorod
Covering it — all in an effort to forget
The frigid chill you feel in nearest distance to it
Mirrors the summits
Found on the coldest side of the East Antarctic Plateau
But you don’t hear me though.
I read your emails and texts with the gelid detachment
Of someone who has heard it all before
Didn’t you hear that last piece I did?
Blame displacement is not a good trick
Weakend my defenses made me weak enough to slip
Now, out of the ashes in a stance of recovery
Stands in front of you — this glacial bitch.
And witness this one finger being held up
As you protest quietly
No, I was never one to refer to myself so ineloquently
I was never the one to grab hold of those letters
But back then, I wasn’t transformed into your creation
And having just lost the love in my heart
Who could expect any better?
Copy, No Transfer, No Modify
You’re stuck with the creation you made from your lack
Of the right words
You’re stuck with me.
The previous version was found to be outdated
Sadly in time it was a decision that came belated
But we all have to dust ourselves off and try again, right?
You made my walls crumble with your manipulative games
I used to cling to the hope that someday you would change
You previously succeeded
In recapturing my frozen icicle of a heart
You nurtured it and reduced its temperature
To that of a Libyan El Aziza
You rapped good fiction disguised as a nonfiction reading
And I believed ya
Then you left me drowning in a sea of my own tears
Created from loving you
So, do you not speak good english?
What part of til death did you misconstrue?
But not to worry
Apparently, there was a glitch in the matrix
And now, standing in front of you is this glacial bitch
The very air that surrounds me is crisp, chilling to the bone
You were supposed to be the Prince I had long awaited
Sworn to protect and give my love a home
You made me believe again
You were the one I was to spend the rest of my days with
My lover, confidant, my husband
I have wept unwelcomed tears over your abandonment
I have pleaded with my Maker for release
I have cursed my feelings and myself for having them
There was no acceptable escape from my grief.
But that was a week ago.
Now, when you speak to me
I want your core body temperature to drop beyond the
Optimal threshold for metabolic and bodily functions
I want there to be a sympathetic nervous system excitation
I want chills to become violent shivering
I want there to be a contraction in surface blood vessels
Until your lips become as pale as my heart
I want to be the reason for the shutdown
Of your cellular metabolic processes
When it comes to the pain I felt
I want you to no longer have to guess
My heart shows signs of blemishes, my ability to love
Subsequently injured
And no chance in hell of a repair
My empathic abilities are on the fritz
So as I spread my arms wide and grant you a wintry smile
I hope you are proud of your creation
Of this certifiable
Glacial bitch.

Loosed from Marital Problems


Wow.  Just wow.  I’d probably know all of this if I had the Scriptures memorized but…I don’t.  I could not for the life of me understand how the God that I serve could leave me in a situation that left me in spiritual bondage.  Divorce is not good.  But my husband is not willing in the least to reconcile.  So why am I being punished for the rest of my life for something I have no control over?  This was running through my mind before today.  Today, I found the single most important passage that ensures my victory even in this mess.

[Okay, this is the cool part.  Well, I find it cool.  If you hover your mouse over the Scriptural references, you will get a small pop up (friendly, I promise!) that gives you the text from the Scripture!  Simply click anywhere on the white space of the box to get rid of it and move to the next.  If you don’t find that cool, I really don’t have any other tricks for you today.  Try tomorrow : ) ]  If you have been following my blog in sequential order or one after another in this fasting series, you’re probably wondering why I keep this part in.  It’s merely for those who start in random spots and may not know.  Quite nice of me, right?

  • Genesis 2:18, 21-25Genesis 2:18, 21-25
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. meet...: Heb. as before him 21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. made: Heb. builded 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Woman: Heb. Isha Man: Heb. Ish 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.  

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  • Proverbs 10:12Proverbs 10:12
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    12 Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.  

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  • Proverbs 31:10-31Proverbs 31:10-31
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. 13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. 14 She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. 15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. buyeth: Heb. taketh 17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She...: Heb. She tasteth 19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. 20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She...: Heb. She spreadeth 21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. scarlet: or, double garments 22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. 24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. 25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. 26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. 29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. have...: or, have gotten riches 30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.  

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  • 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, 10, 111 Corinthians 7:2-5, 10, 11
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.  

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  • Ephesians 5:22-28, 33Ephesians 5:22-28, 33
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  

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  • 1 Peter 1:221 Peter 1:22
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    22 Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently:  

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  • 1 Peter 3:1, 2, 71 Peter 3:1, 2, 7
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    3 1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. 7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.  

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Obviously, you know my favorite and the one that gave me peace.  Today was definitely a good day.  1 Corinthians 7:131 Corinthians 7:13
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

13 And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.  

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is the reason I never got my answer last year.  1 Corinthians 7:151 Corinthians 7:15
English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. to peace: Gr. in peace  

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is the reason I now realize that I am free from the bondage.   A weight has been lifted off of my chest and I have been in celebration today.  I am no longer feeling trapped because I now realize that when my husband left, he freed me.  So regardless of how this plays out or how long he decides to prolong this situation — my freedom cannot be taken away.

Let’s Just Walk Away

love is

Far from what I expected but I heard word from my husband.  He send an email that said, “let’s just walk away.”


My head is screaming.  I am furious, I am beyond the realm of enraged.  We took vows.  Vows that he apparently feels we can “just walk away” from.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I expected contrition, an apologetic tone, remorse, anything other than just simply throwing our marriage away.  I expected for my darling husband to realize that leaving his wife and the little girl who calls him Daddy was the opposite of what a man should be doing and ask to come home.  It’s as if he doesn’t care.  Doesn’t care about what he is putting my daughter and myself through.  Doesn’t care about the fact that he has left us in a financially destitute position.  Just plain doesn’t care. I gave up so much to be with him, to be engaged, to be married, to be a good Christian wife.  I prayed for him every night — that he would allow God to work through him to help him be the head of the household he was meant to be.  I sucked up the smart comments I wanted to make that would have left his minute man-pride diminished, because I wanted him to be better for him, for me, for us.  I consolidated businesses, closed a building down, and gave up working outside of the house because it was what made him happy.  And this…is how I am rewarded for being faithful in every way?

My insides feel as if they will implode and leave my organs soaked in the wreckage.  My heart feels like someone has ripped through my skin, reached in, and forcefully snatched it from its resting place to burn it to ashes.  I am suffocated in my own pain.

Til Death?

marriage chapman

Our 6 month wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks and we are talking about getting a divorce.  Oh, and those vows?  That “til death do you part” stuff?  Well, he and I are still very much alive.

The man I thought I had waited for my entire life took on a different persona after our vow renewal (which was three months after our “elopement wedding”).  He went from Mr. Get It Done to Mr. Can’t Do A Damn Thing overnight.  The problems started after our return.

[a little backstory]  From the months of June 2013 through October 2013, I was very physically ill.  It took one month of ER visits and every test known to man to find out that the shortness of breath, severe back pain and inability to do something as simple as going down the stairs — was all due to multiple blood clots.  I couldn’t even eat without having to take mini breaks in between bites.  It was hell.  During this time, my husband was supportive and helpful because I literally couldn’t do more than sit on the couch.  But I noticed after the first month or so that it was starting to wear on him.  And so I pulled myself together just enough to be able to do more things around the house.  Due to my shift in thinking and behavior from “single” to “getting married,” I consolidated buildings and businesses I had that were becoming too much of a hassle.  With no complaints, he moved a full house with help from his brother, my best friend and his mother.  One month later he moved a huge building into a storage unit with the help of his brother.

Happily Ever After or Until Better Turns to Worse?

Upon our return, something had changed in him.  The negative vibes he emitted permeated the air in thick waves.  He said he was not feeling well, so I — as the dutiful wife — told him to take a breather and I would handle things.  God gives us strength when we need it.  I woke up a couple of days later and realized that I had just went up and down the stairs and it did not hurt.  I had just eaten a meal and did not need to take all of those breaks.  I was healed!  I was esctatic!  I was praising God throughout the whole day!  I looked around my house and realized that the organization of it had fallen into chaos while I had been out of commission.  I embarked on a path to right this obvious wrong.  I sorted through paperwork, cleaned, placed things where they belonged, and moved stuff around.  I was invincible!  I was WOMAN!  I was…apparently making my husband feel bad about himself because he did not feel like doing anything.  This resulted in a reduction in his communication with not only me but my daughter.  He was in a bad mood, sullen, sulky, etc.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me that since I had gotten better I no longer valued his efforts.  Really?

On November 1, 2013, all hell broke loose.  My husband, the man who swore to love me forever stormed into my home office, snatched my phone and threw it and put his hands on me in unprovoked anger.  Left me dry ice numb.  Shattered every picture perfect future thought I had in my head and crumbled it all into ash.  He left that night and ended up back at home with his mother.  I stewed in my anger that he could put us in this precarious situation.  Having spent the last decade of my life in the Social Services field, I already knew this spelled disaster for our nuptials.  Once a man puts his hands on a woman the first time, it gets easier to do it again.  I prayed but God kept giving me the answer of “be still.”  I hate that answer.  It basically means to put your seat belt on and chill on the ride of disaster.

Two weeks later he came back home agreeing to the terms I had laid forth:

  • He would not put his hands on me again in anger
  • We had to attend marriage counseling to see if the marriage could be saved
  • I could not promise that I could get past what happened but I would try

“I’m tired of trying.”

He lasted until January 1, 2014 when he said “I’m tired of trying.”  Yep.  Just like that.  He started leaving and not coming back until midnight — no explanations of where he’d been.  On January 3, 2014, he disappeared from home an hour before our counseling appointment and then never showed up.  I texted him later that afternoon when he still hadn’t returned home that evening and told him to stay gone.  He responded by saying “you said it.”  I’ll be honest, I actually thought he would fight for what he called his family.  I thought this was him acting out and he would come to his senses.

But then today is Sunday, January 5 and my husband is nowhere to be found.  He texted me yesterday and asked when he could come get his stuff.  I called him this morning and he hung up on me.  He wanted to text.  I do not believe in texting to solve problems.  Hours later, fed up, after giving him an ultimatum of calling me within the hour — he told me that he had too many people around him to talk.  Seriously?  I’m only his wife.  He flaked out on paying the household bills for the month and I had gotten a turn off notice yesterday for the water bill so I texted him asking what other bills he hadn’t paid.  He responded by saying that he wasn’t doing any running around for me.  So, I did what any spurned wife (or woman for that matter) would do.  I shut his phone off.

WTH Just Happened?

Now here I sit with my 3 year old daughter who has to be wondering why the man she called Daddy for a year is not here with us.  I have no strength to deal but I have to pull it together.  I am clinging to the fragmented strands of my Christian faith and struggling to understand why God has allowed this to happen.  But I have to keep moving.