Karma: You Are What You Do

Karma Cafe

I have always found Karma to be a very interesting principle.  Karma is founded on the the belief of causality and ethical consequences.

According to the Wiki, a common theme to theories of karma is its principle of causality.  One of the earliest associations of karma to causality occurs in the Brihadaranyaka Upanishad of Hinduism.  For example,  it states:

Now as a man is like this or like that,
according as he acts and according as he behaves, so will he be;
a man of good acts will become good, a man of bad acts, bad;
he becomes pure by pure deeds, bad by bad deeds;

And here they say that a person consists of desires,
and as is his desire, so is his will;
and as is his will, so is his deed;
and whatever deed he does, that he will reap.

                         — Brihadaranyaka Upanishad, 7th Century BC

Personally, I have found that those who have done wrong to me have ended up facing less than desirable circumstances from time to time in their lives that bore some similarities to what they did to me or tried to to.  Is it karma?  Who knows?  I do not propose to be a scholar when it comes to topics such as this one, but I will say that the principle is interesting.  Obviously it bears resemblance to Biblical Scriptures about “reaping what you sow.”  I am curious to know of others who have bore witness to a person who has wronged them going through their own natural consequences OR the other way around.  Perhaps there are people who have done wrong to other people who have endured their own circumstances brought on by karma?

Characteristics of an Abuser

domestic violence

Abusers come from all walks of life and may not fit all stereotypical thoughts of what they actually look like.  Many times, one can find themselves deep into the relationship or marriage with very few or no signs at all.  However, sometimes the actual truth is that these men show some of these characteristics in different ways.  Their partner may excuse, not notice, or simply not place them into the abusive category at those times.  Yes, I do realize that there are men who are abused by women — however, this post is about domestic abuse perpetrated towards a woman by a man.  The characteristics can be applied to both sexes and the profile may share some similarities as well.

CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ABUSER 

  1. Excessive jealousy:  This goes beyond the “oh he cares” and “cute” ways of showing their partner that they care.  This characteristic is paired with abnormal jealous reactions of interactions with friends, family, children and others.  A simple greeting to someone could cause this abuser to have a negative attitude, make snippy comments, or even fly into a rage.
  2. Controlling behavior:  Partners must provide an account for their whereabouts that are acceptable to the abuser.  The abuser may even attempt to control behavior through covert measures, instead of “blowing up” they may use manipulation to make their partner feel guilty for something as simple as going to the store.
  3. Verbal aggression:  May yell, scream, use insults, curse and other verbal methods to lower self-esteem.  May tell their partner that no one else will want them, that they are lucky to be with them, they are stupid, etc.  May also use threats.
  4. Physical aggression: Physically attacking partner by kicking, punching, hitting, shoving, throwing them around, and using objects to physically harm them.
  5. Insecurity: Although they may appear to be filled with high self-esteem, they are in actuality, suffering with feelings of inadequacy.
  6. Blame projection:  Even though they themselves are in the role of the abuser, they constantly blame their partner by telling them that it is “their fault.”  They use these phrases to attempt to get their partner to believe that they are “bringing this on themselves.”  Abusers frequently play the role of the victim.
  7. Intimacy distortion:  The expectation of shows of affection is that sex will follow.  Abusers believe that sex is equal to intimacy and as such, balk at giving affection that will not lead to sex.
  8. Dependency issues:  Abusers have a need to be taken care of.  They expect their partner to cater to their wants and needs regardless of the emotional or physical toll.
  9. Isolation:  Friends and family are always seen as the ones who are trying to come in between the relationship.  The abuser will isolate their partner from the world if at all possible in order to enhance the likelihood that their partner will become dependent on only them.
  10. Egotistic:  The world revolves around them — or it should.  Abusers believe that everything should happen the way that they want it to and will do anything to get their way.  No matter how much damage they do to their partner, abusers genuinely do not believe that their partner should ever leave them.

CYCLE OF ABUSE

Abuser abuses  →  abuser apologizes  →  abuser makes up for it

This cycle repeats.

cycle of violence

REMEMBER:

Abusers typically do everything that it takes in order to drive their partner away and then typically do everything that it takes in order to get them back.  There are exceptions to the information noted in this post, however, a general rule is that if you do not feel comfortable within the confines of your relationship — get out and get help.

More Bees With Honey

I changed my tactic up.  I decided to abandon the angry wife theme and move to a more neutral one.  I held on to this when I made the phone call to talk to him about one of his male friends who was pounding on my door two nights ago.  Funny how that happened out of the blue when no one ever came to the door for him before.  Friends of mine surmised that this was a set up from my soon-to-be ex to find out who was at the house.  I do believe he is that crazy now.  His plan worked, I had to call him in order to tell him to tell his little friends that he no longer shares this address.  While on the phone, I slid in the fact that we still needed to sign the divorce papers since he had no intention of working on our marriage.  He had the nerve to say that we could have tried to get it annulled so that way it “was nobody’s fault.”  I used every prayer I could come up with to refrain from cussing him out.  Instead, I simply asked him to figure out a good time to meet downtown and parted vocal ways.

And that set the rest of his manipulation games in motion.  I got a text message the next day that was sent to me accidentally on purpose.  Sunday, I initiated contact since that was his plan anyway.   I put him on the spot again and asked why he was so intent on delaying the divorce.  He texted back “I want this over ASAP so you can move on and I can find someone I feel safe with.”  Wow.  Men say stuff like this?  But I hung in there and we talked on the phone and I thought we were in a good place of communication.  Until…today.  When he accidentally on purpose sent me a text meant for some chick “I’m still damaged from my last relationship.”  I lost it then.  Playing the victim?  Purposely sending me this nonsense?  Lawd.

I’m Working On It

What am I working on you ask?  I’m working on putting in these insane hours working, creating, promoting, marketing, advertising — any “ing” word that results in more income.  As a result, I will be posting a bit less because my brain, quite frankly, hurts!  But I do promise that I shall return with more insightful news about my everchanging life and the inevitable DivaLations that come with the territory.

Killing My Vibe

Sooooooo, the soon-to-be ex husband has begun texting me again.  Nonsense stuff like how both of us need to work on this.  Like, how I need to do my part too.  Like, he wasn’t going to be the only one putting forth an effort.  Excuse me?  Last time I checked, the person who abandoned the other person needed to fix it.  I hate texting.  I always have.  I am not an advocate of communication by any other method that does not include voice or face to face.  In my humble opinion, it reduces the personal feeling, encourages miscommunication, and a general lack of respect for serious situations.  For example, you just don’t end a marriage by texting.  This seems to be the method that he is most comfortable with and it is the most frustrating thing when you are the only adult participating in the conversation.

One of the main points that he continues to text and email me with the woe is me portion of the time he put his hands on me.  Saying that he is so “bothered” the fact that he did it and doesn’t know how to handle it.  My response?  That’s what the marriage counseling was for.  I’m not falling for the creation of the victim role from a clear abuser.  He’s angry because I drew the divorce papers up.  In his words, I was supposed to “ask him to come home.”  Yes, because I am so desperate that I have to beg the man who hit me and left me to come back to me.  Not.  Oh and that contribution towards the bills that he promised to do?  Never happened.  I get every other text in the world except for an explanation about that.

I had one of those moments where I thought that perhaps we could talk things over and come up with a resolution that would work for both of us.  So, I texted him back that we should talk on the phone.  First, he couldn’t talk and needed an hour.  Then, an hour and a half later, he was “working on a house” at 10pm.  Then, he finally texted back an hour later that he was ready and I could call him.  Two minutes later, he texted back “never mind since it’s always on your time.”  When I called, he refused to answer.  Times like these set me back and kill my positive vibe entirely.

I went from happy, enjoying life, taking care of business mood — back to that angry, frustrated state of mind.  It was harder to pray for him.  It was harder to remember all of the lessons I have learned over the past 6 weeks.  So, I did something that would make me feel better.  I put everything in one email to him, everything.  Things that I hadn’t told him, like, if he would have shown half an effort it would have encouraged me to work things out.  But how can you muster up enough energy to work things out with someone who does not care if things work out?

Let Your Flower Bloom!

rose

The flower that blooms in adversity
is the most beautiful one of all
— Disney’s Mulan movie

I have rediscovered myself.  I know my worth.  And I’ll be damned if I ever forget my worth again.  My worth signifies that I am worth the effort, worth the pain, and definitely worth the sacrifice that anyone has to go through to be with me.  My biggest mistake was stuffing my worth in the back of the closet just to keep the peace.  I did myself no favors and I surely did not do him any favors.

Every breath I take now fills the entirety of my body with such an empowered feeling that it makes me involuntarily shudder!  So deliciously so that I’d have to go back to previous pages in this book to even remember the devastation period that I went through not so long ago. But I won’t go back because I’m more invested into future than my past.

Maybe I’m just happy about some progress.  Finally, after a whole month of delaying — my soon-to-be ex managed to show up to meet and sign the papers.  He disagreed with some of the financial support terms stating that “if I’m going to walk away, I’m just going to walk away.”  Somehow, he isn’t grasping the fact that marriage is a contract and you don’t just get to take your ball and go home without paying for that privilege.  He refused to sign the actual divorce agreement but I was able to talk him into signing the separation agreement.  His reason?  He wasn’t “ready for it to be over.”  I’m shaking my head even as I write this.  I asked him several pointed questions like, what have you been doing to show that you don’t want it to be over.  Answers were so mumbled and lacking of any reality that I do not remember what he actually said.  He did agree that how he left was nothing short of f***** up and agreed to contribute to bills next week.  I don’t believe any of it, but with any luck, maybe just maybe he will straighten up and fly right.

Emotional Freedom

Walking with emotional freedom is the greatest gift you can give yourself. If you are unfortunate to have to correspond with your ex, it completely changes the flavor of your message. You almost ooze the “I’m over it and I’m over you” vibe.  The freedom that it gives you almost takes your breath away with happiness.  You never thought you’d reach this point, and yet, here you are. That’s not to say that you’re no longer hurting, because you are. That’s not to say that you are not the slightest bit bitter about your circumstance, because you just might be.  But it is to say that you’ve accepted the fact that this person will no longer be apart of your life even if you did vow til death do you part. That feeling you now have is hope.  Hope for another day to enjoy all that life has to offer.

Going through my phone I came across pictures of my soon-to-be ex husband and felt…well, nothing.  It was the best feeling.  A sure graduation from the sadness that progressed to unyielding emptiness.  There was a time, not long ago, when it delighted me to hear his voice, read printed messages from him, and see those same pictures.  It let me see that I am no longer an extension of him.  I am merely the “me” I was before he entered my life, again.

I found my “muchness”
after all…
I was much muchier before!

Glacial Bitch

inner bitch

Now before some of you get all preachy on me, I need to remind you that

     God is still working on me, He’s not through with me yet!

I make no efforts to pretend that I do not have moments where thoughts of revenge against those who have wronged me.  I offer no pretense about the fact that I am human, mortal, and as a result — flawed.  I write alot of material, some of which is autobiographical and some that is pure and unadulterated fiction.  There are plenty of my pieces that refer to wishful thinking or dreams.  This piece was written and put me in the right frame of mind — self preservation and an appreciation for the strength that I was able to draw from my situation.  Oddly enough, I do not support the movement of calling oneself a “bitch.”  I understand that there are many empowering ways of putting the word, but I do not participate.  This piece represents a new way of writing for me and I am pretty proud of it regardless.  I proudly present:

Glacial Bitch

If you thought I was cold before — picture me now
Heart transformed into a crystalized structure
Impenetrable with its encasing of
Aggregate diamond nanorod
Covering it — all in an effort to forget
The frigid chill you feel in nearest distance to it
Mirrors the summits
Found on the coldest side of the East Antarctic Plateau
But you don’t hear me though.
I read your emails and texts with the gelid detachment
Of someone who has heard it all before
Didn’t you hear that last piece I did?
Blame displacement is not a good trick
Weakend my defenses made me weak enough to slip
Now, out of the ashes in a stance of recovery
Stands in front of you — this glacial bitch.
And witness this one finger being held up
As you protest quietly
No, I was never one to refer to myself so ineloquently
I was never the one to grab hold of those letters
But back then, I wasn’t transformed into your creation
And having just lost the love in my heart
Who could expect any better?
Copy, No Transfer, No Modify
You’re stuck with the creation you made from your lack
Of the right words
You’re stuck with me.
The previous version was found to be outdated
Sadly in time it was a decision that came belated
But we all have to dust ourselves off and try again, right?
You made my walls crumble with your manipulative games
I used to cling to the hope that someday you would change
You previously succeeded
In recapturing my frozen icicle of a heart
You nurtured it and reduced its temperature
To that of a Libyan El Aziza
You rapped good fiction disguised as a nonfiction reading
And I believed ya
Then you left me drowning in a sea of my own tears
Created from loving you
So, do you not speak good english?
What part of til death did you misconstrue?
But not to worry
Apparently, there was a glitch in the matrix
And now, standing in front of you is this glacial bitch
The very air that surrounds me is crisp, chilling to the bone
You were supposed to be the Prince I had long awaited
Sworn to protect and give my love a home
You made me believe again
You were the one I was to spend the rest of my days with
My lover, confidant, my husband
I have wept unwelcomed tears over your abandonment
I have pleaded with my Maker for release
I have cursed my feelings and myself for having them
There was no acceptable escape from my grief.
But that was a week ago.
Now, when you speak to me
I want your core body temperature to drop beyond the
Optimal threshold for metabolic and bodily functions
I want there to be a sympathetic nervous system excitation
I want chills to become violent shivering
I want there to be a contraction in surface blood vessels
Until your lips become as pale as my heart
I want to be the reason for the shutdown
Of your cellular metabolic processes
When it comes to the pain I felt
I want you to no longer have to guess
My heart shows signs of blemishes, my ability to love
Subsequently injured
And no chance in hell of a repair
My empathic abilities are on the fritz
So as I spread my arms wide and grant you a wintry smile
I hope you are proud of your creation
Of this certifiable
Glacial bitch.

Happy _____________

I plan to take some time off from writing about anything for the rest of the week so that I can focus on rebuilding my life.  I have a business that needs nurturing, a daughter who has been showing symptoms of traumatization due to this separation, and bills that I have no idea of how I’m paying.

Oh, and our anniversary would have been in a couple of days but instead, he’s trying to live life in the middle of the road — not here and not divorced.  My birthday is this week and instead of spending it laying in my husband’s arms, I am planning to spend it alone.  It’s like my whole life has been changed in an instant and I’m trying to keep up.

Loosed to Stand Strong

strong

 

I thought that when I finally said “I do” that the only worries in life that I had to face, I had a partner to face them with.  I never anticipated that I would be facing anything alone and even more than that — facing struggles that were placed there by the man I called my soulmate.  It’s only fitting that today’s lesson in the Scriptures is standing strong.  

[Okay, this is the cool part.  Well, I find it cool.  If you hover your mouse over the Scriptural references, you will get a small pop up (friendly, I promise!) that gives you the text from the Scripture!  Simply click anywhere on the white space of the box to get rid of it and move to the next.  If you don’t find that cool, I really don’t have any other tricks for you today.  Try tomorrow : ) ]  If you have been following my blog in sequential order or one after another in this fasting series, you’re probably wondering why I keep this part in.  It’s merely for those who start in random spots and may not know.  Quite nice of me, right?

  • Psalm 31:23, 24Psalm 31:23, 24
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    23 O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. 24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.  

    WP-Bible plugin
  • Isaiah 40:29-31Isaiah 40:29-31
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. 30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: 31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. renew: Heb. change  

    WP-Bible plugin
  • Zechariah 10:12Zechariah 10:12
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    12 And I will strengthen them in the LORD; and they shall walk up and down in his name, saith the LORD.  

    WP-Bible plugin
  • Ephesians 3:14-19Ephesians 3:14-19
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; 17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; 19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.  

    WP-Bible plugin
  • Ephesians 6:10-13Ephesians 6:10-13
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. 11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. flesh...: Gr. blood and flesh spiritual...: or, wicked spirits high: or, heavenly 13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. having...: or, having overcome all  

    WP-Bible plugin
  • Colossians 2:6, 7Colossians 2:6, 7
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    6 As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him: 7 Rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving.  

    WP-Bible plugin
  • 2 Peter 1:5-112 Peter 1:5-11
    English: King James Version (1611) - KJV

    5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge; 6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; 7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. 8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. barren: Gr. idle 9 But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins. 10 Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall: 11 For so an entrance shall be ministered unto you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.  

    WP-Bible plugin

My absolute favorite is Isaiah.  I love the parts about the fact that they will “mount up with wings as eagles” and “run and not be weary.”  I got so tired of the struggle that I forgot about God’s promises to us and I needed this week to get back to my foundation.  It doesn’t mean that the struggle is over.  But isn’t it a smart idea to put your armor on before the battle is over?