Is This Purgatory?

if you could read my mind

Okay, I’ll admit it, I’ve been having some bad days.  Days where I have been wondering what purpose my life holds besides the pain that seems to constantly be given to me.  As I have said before, I am not perfect.  I am human and I have flaws.  But even through the storm I find myself in, I will not let the enemy succeed in convincing me that God has forgotten me because I know that He hasn’t.  I know that my suffering is for my own good — even if I don’t like it.

Purge

I am lost
I know that because my soul floats outside of this body
Of mine
Searching for a way back in
I am empty
A shell incompatible with fillings
I am desolate — a testament to the deepest sadness as a survivor
Of the trials by fire
I used to think that my life
Was a physical manifestation of hell
But now the idea of purgatory makes more sense
I mean, the episodes of my life are so ridiculously tragic
That one would think
I’ve made it up out of a sincere love for fiction
Maybe I’ve been watching too many of the movies
With a similar theme
One of those times that I came close to death maybe
I really did die
The significance is significant
And the best explanation of why
My accomplishments seem meaningless
Achievements feel like they live less than that of a half life
If this is purgatory indeed
The bright side is that I died in grace
This purge will cleanse all remaining bad deeds.
In the meantime, my insides burn
Leaving my optimism charred beyond recognition
I’m hoping this is another work of fiction
That I will rise, sweating profusely
Panting, mumbling incoherently
In the comfort and sanctuary of my bed.
And I will step onto the floor of a better reality
Where each day is not another battle
Because God, I am so weary.
I pray for death each day
Because this world that I am in is so unbearable
That it makes the idea of the cessation of breathing
That much more attractive
I search for daily reminders of reasons to continue living
I call friends to remind me of what point my existence makes
I pray unceasingly to the Lord above to end my suffering
But then if the measurement of penance in purgatory
Is based on
The amount of suffering on Earth
And this is not purgatory
Then I suppose I shall pray for more suffering.

© Miss Lady

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